Heee. Heehee

So I feel like updating. Because I can. I'm really really really really hyper right nowwwwwwwwww.
fgaeklf
dfd
Wheeeeeeee!
I can't stop laughing. I have no idea why I even started laughing. Bekka and Richard think I'm on crack. It's great fun! Great gollops of fun! Wheeee! *dances*
I guess this is better than the mood I was in yesterday?
Post about posty things is....posty.
People need to keep sugar away from me.
Do do do do do -DO!
I need to do my homewooooork. But I don't feel like it. And I need to read Going Bovine because I really want to read it. And I'm on crack.
And...WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Anxiety?

Most people don't know this, but only because it does not matter. A few months ago I had an appointment. I was nervous and afraid of being judged and such, so I played everything down and tried making my life seem perfect. Kinda ironic, yes? But still... i was diagnosed even with all the pretty good cover ups. I don't know what kind, or what level, but I do have an anxiety disorder. I'm not going to sit here ranting about what exactly what that means... but every once in a while I think about it. I'm not one who thinks a non professional can diagnose someone. A close friend of mine knew the darker sides of my life and tried to get me to ask my mom to help me see someone for a diagnosis. She told me what she thought I had. She has it, so I understood that. But she was not about to say I definitely have it. You can go on Web MD and look up symptoms to whatever, but without a professional diagnosis you can never be sure and honestly are probably a bit off on what you think. Now, I wish that at that appointment I had been at least a little open because I think she would have said something different, or something more. But it's too late and I can't say anything of the sort. At the appointment i was just so nervous and scared and I have no idea why. I do that a lot. I panic and worry and such over small things, potentially good things- something I'm sure you have noticed. But when I look back and try to figure out what the big deal was- I can't. Is that part of my "disorder"? Everything I do in public makes me feel awkward and scrutinized. Even at my birthday party, standing in front of 10-12 of my friends, I felt awkward and scared. Is that part of it? I cry really easily, over small things. Is that part of it? Or am I just unironically emotional? I have a friend, and he really means a lot to me. He hates that I put up an apathetic front to things. But I'm too afraid of what would happen if I show how much I care about everything. Is that part of it? Or just something else, something small, silly? I don't tell him very much at all. I am afraid he will react negatively and judge me in horrible ways and not want to be my friend anymore. Is that related? Or is that just an irrational fear and inability to see life without him playing some part in it? Whenever I talk to him, I am afraid that I am annoying him and bothering him. What's that? I was going through a rough period in January, one of these frequent moods of being nothing better than second best... ever. But this time it lasted longer than usual. I confronted in my friend. About how I would never be anyone's number one best friend, about how nobody would ever like me "in that way", about how I might be "smart" in school, but that's only really slightly above average, at music I might be better than some people but I still suck and just everything like that. When I said I was nobody's real best friend, she told me I was hers. It took me weeks, maybe months to believe she was not just trying to make me feel good. Right now I'm worrying that when people read this, they are not even going to make it this far. They might not even care enough to read it. If they do read it this far, they will just think I'm annoying and whine too much. One of my friends always gets annoyed that I am too paranoid that he is mad at me for some reason or thinks I suck or that I am annoying (which I am) or that he does not want to be my friend, or thinks I'm clingy (which I am- because I worry that people tire of me so easily and will just start ignoring me) or that he knows more than I want him to. Is that just normal? Or is that part of it? I really don't know what this does to my life... I don't know what can be blamed on it and what isn't. That grammar sucks. But yeah, I mean I'm not about to use and "disorder" as an excuse or as a handicap or anything. I just think sometimes. there is a lot I'm not even saying because I'm afraid you will think I am overreacting/ overreacted to that situation or think it's whiny or something dumb. I never talk about this for the same reasons. I have too much of a fear of being judges. Oh well.

ofnmfaklsdnmfk

Warning: This is a ranty pissed off but really just depressed angsty post about stupid people. Don't be surprised if you see large amounts of - I just get the idea to send him a message then I realized he probably wouldn't respond anyway for reasons too be explained soon- ... anyway. Large amounts of tears and profanity.

It's almost like he really took the meaning of me being like a sister to him too far. Brothers don't tell sisters things you stopped telling me. When you like someone I have to read about it in a freaking status and then ask you about it. When you're depressed, I notice it right away. I try talking to you about it. You can't admit it in person, only over the internet. Then it turns into me talking about how amazing you are, I say something that makes you uncomfortable or realize that I've said too much and the conversation stops. A lot of our conversations have been this way lately. Being such good friends means we can talk about the more serious and important stuff, but I like talking and laughing and having fun with you, too. The things you complain about with my personality the most are the things I have begun to do to protect myself from you. I like to put up an apathetic front around you a lot. When I let my emotions show, show how much I care, I cry more than I care to. Like now. Do you want me to tell you how much I care? You don't. I know you don't. You just think I'm annoying. do you remember that night you and him (him- the guy I liked but stopped as soon as you became involved in our relationship. That happens a lot) called me at 11:30 at night? I was sobbing right before you called and you didn't even fucking notice. How can you say we're "best friends" and not notice when I'm that distraught? I've told you that I look up to you about everything, that you are one of the few people I am most comfortable around, that you are one of my best friends, that you are one of the people i put up that apathetic front for..... I've confessed so much about my platonic feelings towards you. Yet I feel like it's only pushing you away. Am I really annoying you that much? Do you know who I don't let go when you say something and won't explain? It's not a habit of mine. You're the only person I do it with. I need to know what you are thinking anytime it's related to me. I always secretly wonder what other people think when they see us together. It could be anything. It could be nothing. It could be that we're such perfect friends, that we always argue like an old married could, or like siblings, we are an unlikely friendship, something more. Or maybe they don't realize anything at all. I almost posted a tumblr post asking the band kids from our school what they think, I talk about you enough on there. They probably have put it together by now. But they also probably don't care. Why would they? It's just insignificant me. I wonder if they have put it toge I hate it when I am talking to you and these girls that you call annoying hoes come up and you redirect your attention to them. I used to wait for you, but if you want me to start acting like I care every time one of them walks in I need to turn around and walk out. You want me to act like I care? Fine. I will cry if I need to cry. It will be obvious how much I love and need you. You won't like it. But if that's what you want.

Yesterday I was messaging you. I thought it was an okay conversation. You were taking weird amount of time to reply though. I guess i figured out why. Scrolling down my news feed I saw you were talking to someone else. She is more important, better, prettier. You like her better, in every way and every sense. Who ever she is. It's not like you'll tell me. You've stopped telling me.

I keep checking my facebook to see if you replied yet. Shocking, you havn't. I wonder who she is. But more I wonder why you haven't told me.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I won't get to see you. Not for another 2 weeks. I didn't even get the chance to say bye.
Will you call me to say Happy Birthday at least? Or message me or write on my wall? anything?
For some reason, I don't think you will. Thanks, best friend.

You look at us like Harry and Hermione. I wish we were a Hermione and Ron. Too bad for me I guess.

Ever since this weekend I just can't get you off my mind. Not for more than a few minutes at a time. I can just be sitting there, and you will say or do something and something in my mind clicks. I've realized with each click I fall more and more for you.

At the assembly today, I felt perfect. You on one side, we were sitting there quietly joking talking... smiling laughing. the whole ban mush have noticed. I was watching simple music from the chorus, I had another friend on the other side... it felt perfect to me. The only thing that could have made it better is if you felt just as perfect as I did.

Hi, Katie.

So, I told Katie I would blog today. So I am.
Technically.
Really, this is all I'm writing so I keep my promise, but I don't fell too great in any aspect so I'm going to write a real blog tomorrow. But I'm still technically keeping my promise. :P
<3

One Day Too Late

So, this song... I heard it a while ago when an awesome friend asked me to listen to it for something, and I fell in love with it right then. I listened to it so many times, over and over.... and I told myself I was going to do it. Finally do it all. And I still havn't. I think it's really time.

"Tick tock, hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late?

Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness, I guess, I just forget
To do all the things I said

Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up
One step behind, now I've made my mind up

Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late, one day too late

Tick tock, hear my life pass by
I can't erase and I can't rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do
Wish I'd spent more time with you

Here's my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
In the end I'll make it up to you
You'll see, you'll get the very best of me

Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up
One step behind, now I've made my mind up

Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

Your time is running out
You're never gonna get it back
So make the most of every moment
Stop saving the best for last

Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

One day too late, one day too late
One day too late, one day too late"

You.

There is only one person in this world
who can make me feel amazing and special and beautiful one moment
then the next moment- alone, hopeless, never better than second best.

Only one person who can always make me smile
with a simple word or gesture.

Only one person who can't be limited
in my heart and mind.

Only one person who has said those 21 words
to me.
The best 21 words.
That made me happier than any other single word.

Individually, they are nothing.
Together, they are everything.

While these 21 words were meant to be true,
their truth will not last long.

I know this, as does their speaker.

They are 21 words of unity.
Of us.
But nothing may be.

Time and tales make it so.

Years of longing, desire
finally
"partially" returned.

But nothing may be
My friend.
Nothing may be.

Maddie!

First off, THREE DAYS!

So, for anyone that cares, I had a really really great day. Hilarious, fun, sweet... just such an awesome day.

But now I am home and was still happy. Until I got a text.

It's really hard being positive when one of your best friends is falling apart. You want nothing more than to go and give her a hug and punch the offenders in the face, but you can't.

Because they all live six hours away.

Just because one only know a friend online, does not mean that they are not just as close, of not closer, than any other given friend.
You still talk to them just as much, maybe more. You text and message and share stories and know each others issues, crushes, family, friends, you know all about their life and the people in it. You tell each other just as much if not more than you tell IRL friends. She is one of the two people I can tell absolutely anything to. And I do. She's the only person who will let me rant to her and constantly tell her silly little things throughout my day... without getting annoyed.

When they are upset, it bothers you just as much.
When they are excited, it makes you just as happy.
Whenever something new happens, she is usually the first person I go to.
If not the first, I definitely tell her shortly after.

Don't tell me that it's not a real friendship. Or that people should not start relationships over the internet.
I'm not the only one. Niether is she.
People meet friends that are like sisters, or brothers, and that stay in their lives forever.
Some of them just happen to be done online.
They have fights, they go through phases of friendship.

They just happened to stumble upon the same website on the same day.
They just happened to keep finding each other after periods of conversation.
They just happened to find a way to start talking everyday.
They, not so coincidentally, grew from talking about a love for a book to talking about everything that is anything, and many things that arn't.
They became best friends.
They have never met, and are not sure if they ever will.
But that's the only think that stops them from having a "normal" friendship.
From being "normal" best friends.

Now, Shane. You don't know me. I'm not sure if you know who I am. But you better be glad I'm not there.

I don't know why I wrote this.
I don't know why it's so spazzy.
I don't know if anyone will read this.
I don't care if anyone does.

Quotes

So... I'm just looking on quote websites because I love to do such a thing... I think I'm going to compile a small list of those that I especially love, find relevant, or seems to be useful for something in the near future.

Gratitude is one of the least articulate of the emotions, especially when it is deep.

~Felix Frankrurter

Never be ashamed! There's some who'll hold it against you, but they're not worth bothering with.

The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and must therefore be treated with great caution.

What's coming will come and we'll just have to meet it when it does.

~ J.K.Rowling / Her characters.

All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.

~Ellen Glasgow

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.

~Carl Jung

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

~Maya Angelou

Ignorance is no excuse, it's the real thing.

~Irene Peter

A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived.

~ Willa Cather

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

~Susan Urtz

No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow.

~Euripides

If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music.

~Gustav Mahler

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

~Aldous Huxley

Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy.

~Ludwig van Beethoven

Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it.

~John Lennon

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

~Berthole Auerbach

Without music, life would be a mistake.

~Friedrich Nietzsche

A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.

~Robert Frost

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

~Paul Valery

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

~Oscar Wilde

And... That is all for now. I hope you enjoyed. :3

Update, Life.

So, Katie asked my to post a while ago and I haven't yet, so... I will now.

So I've been pretty crazy busy these last few weeks.
Marching band has consumed a great amount of my time. We got first place in four of our competitions- including one that resulted in us being 2010 Regional Champions. We've done so three times, once a few years ago and then two years in a row now. We're the only band from Maryland to have even done it one. Oorah? Then our final competition we travel 13 hours to Atlanta and had a few issues and such and it just wasn't our best show, so we didn't make finals. But the trip in general was so much fun, except when awesome people had to deal with stuff they shouldn't have to. So we didn't do as well as I thought we would, but it was a hell of a way to go out my senior year. It was a great season, too. I wish I had next year but I don't and I shouldn't dwell on that. "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." I seriously hate it whenever something (A last__, or mention of it being the last___) happens and one of my non-senior friends comes to console me or tell me how much they'll miss me, or even just joke around about in whatever way. But... it is was it is. It was what it was.

Along with ridiculous schedules with marching band, I've had other bands to deal with. Practice for Wind Ensemble, Jazz Band, Symphonic Band, Concert Band... Sure, I don't HAVE to practice all of that. Some of it's too easy. But whatever. Then there is the other stuff to deal with. Auditions for All County Band was last week and I've been practicing my butt off for that, but then I got in there and nerves got the better of me and... poop. Our one band director was the judge for the trumpets so I was talking to him about it in school today. He found out that his being a judge actually made us nervous and he felt really really bad about it. In a way it was like "Okay, I know he's rooting for me and I know he wants me to good and I know he believes in me and... blah blah blah" But that irrational part of my mind was like "Oh god, I'm so nervous and I know I'm going to screw up and when I do he's going to hear it and know it was me and then he is going to think I suck and.... hguoanggbadjnkutaw" I also asked him if he thinks I got in. He said I'm kinda in between. Like... there are 8 chairs and I'm like 8-10 ish. So... I can only hope. Players from my school also were there and did a lot better than me. Not to sound arrogant, but they arn't better than me, they just didn't get crazy nervous and fail like I did. I wish I could just get one redo. Then I know I would do good and get in. But... oh well. This weekend are the All State auditions. I'm definitely not getting in, but I still need to go in there and try. Then as soon as that's done with I'm going to start preparing for college auditions. I think I'll ask the band directors for a little guidance on what pieces to pick.

FOUR DAYS!!!!

Yeah. Who else is excited for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1?
I'm seeing it at midnight with my mom and sister then right after school with Katie. I'm looking forward to the one with Katie more than I am to the first showing, simply because... I love Katie. And I just realized you all will probably think I only said that because Katie will eventually read this, but that's not the case. It's 100% true.
I'm not worrying about it being the end yet, and you can't make me. Not until July 15, 2011 at midnight. (Release date of Part 2)

I'm kinda in a good mood right now. OotP is on my TV, It's a half day a school, my phone should be coming very very soon, I've been talking to my friend Maddie a lot lately. Over the summer we would often stay up late just talking about all kinds of stuff but we haven't been able to do that because of our busy schedules but we did that again this weekend and it made me... really really happy. I've been talking to this one guy I kinda like a bit recently and that makes me really happy. Yes, you think you know who it is. No, you don't know who it is. No, I will not tell you who it is. Probably.

Yesterday I FINALLY started college applications. I don't know if I'm going to apply to anyplace other than Towson. I'm pretty sure I'm just going there. In the past few years my college research has been done with the mind set that I will be majoring in Biology. Now that I've admitted to myself that I want to major in music, I have to look at schools that have decent music programs but not ones that are out of my league. Towson is the only one I have found so far that the school is not horrible in whichever way. I really want to go to New York University, but they're too good for me. Which is unfortunate. I think I could get in eventually, but I guess I'll just wait. Maybe I'll try transferring there after my sophomore year. But yeah. Yesterday I started my application towards Towson. I still need to write the Essay, and get my GPA. And I have to give the transcript/ guidance counselor recommendation paper to my guidance counselor. And I have not even BEGUN the music program application, so I should probably do that today, along with giving the recommendations to my music teachers. No big deal? So basically what I'm saying is... to all of you underclassmen out there.... Just quit while you're ahead. College is dumb. Don't do it.

Best Wishes!

Yeahh

It's been forever. I'm sorry.
Oh well.

Oh god I randomly got this feeling... of almost depression. Like the walls are closing in and... I don't even know.
It's horrible.
I don't know... who I can trust.
Who I should trust.
What I should do.

I took a nap earlier and had an amazing dream and now I wanna go back to sleep and go back to that world because it felt so nice and I know it will never be reality. I wish I could have that dram again.
God I hate... love.
FOREVER ALONEEE
haha, tumblr.
Sorry I'm spazzing.
I'm in a crappy mood.
ANd I need to practice trumpet but i NEVER can baceause my mom is sick way too much and that means she sleeps and i can't wake her up and I fuging hate it. I need to practice. Practicing is what determines if I can fulfill my dreams or not. I already have the disadvantage of not affording lessons. And now I can never practice. I hate it. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I have a lot of work to do in not so much time.
We have marching band 9-5 tomorrow. I really don't wanna go. But I really want to make the most of this year. I do NOT want band to end. I can't stand the idea. But it is something I want to deal with on my own and don't want... sympathy for. My mom woke up so I was about to go practice when I was finished this. Grammar is fun. But now she is going back to sleep. Damn it. I hate this.
I rant a lot.
I always do my best to make my friends feel happy with what they do even if I hate it because of some dumb personal reason and I can't stand it when they refuse to do the same. I support them no matter what it is. If they believe something I don't, I support them. If they like someone I hate, I support them. But when they.... just totally bash me in return. It makes me.. . lose faith. I don't know who I can trust anymore. There are three people I can tell anything to. You don't know who you are. Only one of them I actually feel comfortable telling anything to. And she just recently came back into my life as more than just a passing friend. Having a best friend is amazing. Sometimes you wonder why they pick you as that person to trust beyond anything and to label best friend. Other times it makes too much sense.

My pants are soft.

So someone made me realize that I jokingly insult things and people a lot. That might be okay with a lot of my friends..... but for other ones that I care about equally as much even though they may not know it, it's not okay. And I need to fix it. I have a silly agreement with one of them to fix it. I don't think he knows I'm serious about it.

I'm so bored. This is what I do when I have nothing to do.
Spazzingly rant.

So I promised myself I wouldn't let silly drama and boys and such affect my life anymore. I can't deal with that right now. It makes life a lot easier. Except when people attempt to drag me into stuff anyway. I don't wanna deal with drama anymore. I want to stop caring what he did or what she did or what he or she thinks. I wanna start living my life for me. I have not done that yet. Things would be a lot better if I were to start. I still am a normal teenager and want to be in a relationship.... but I just know that's not going to happen anytime soon. So I have to deal with it. It's even worse when my friends complain whenever I come close to finding something to make me happy.

I feel unwanted.
That happens a lot.
The only people who can change that are my best friend and him.

LIEEES

This is what happens when I try to write a story. I write a short and confusing and weak rant.

Life. Life is a lie. Every single person- pretends, poses, lies. They lie to be something they are not. To make themselves happier, to make others happier. Sometimes it’s with good reason, other times it’s not.

Why is it, that when people are upset, they lie and say they are okay? What does that accomplish? Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense for everyone to tell the truth?

“Hey, you seem upset. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired.”

“…Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

It can’t help anything. Denying that you’re upset. It does no good. If you admit it, you can help yourself to be better.

When you have romantic feelings for someone, why do you deny it? It might not lead to anything, but there is a chance it could become something good.

“Hey”

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing, just…. You’ve been acting a little differently around me lately. Do you like me?”

“What? No.”

“Oh…..Okay”

When people hate who they are, why do they deny it and say they love their life? They can do something to make their life something they are proud to live. If they love their life, why do they say they hate it? It does no good.

Think about it. You might not lie, but are you ever actually honest? Do you tell the truth to everyone. You may be tired, but also admit that something is wrong. Don’t necessarily admit what is wrong, just don’t say nothing. If you love someone, it might not be a lie to say you don’t like them, but is it truthful? Being completely truthful all the time might have some bad consequences, but being truthful about a lot of things can’t hurt anything. Making sure you don’t lie can only do good in your life. Can’t it?

Spiked Teddy Grams FTW

Week one of band camp: Complete.

Instead of giving my usual reflection, that'll wait until next week and for now I will say i need to learn how to breath and relax. I'll also say this:

The past few days, my life has been filled with people acting like they are on crack.

At marching band, you're surrounded by crazy people. Then there are a few people who are quiet and actually somewhat normal. When they start becoming more crazy than everyone else, you know something is up. When asked why they are on crack, and if they ate anything weird to make them like that, they tell you they just had a few teddy grams with lunch.

...WHAT?

Teddy grams?

I know what we're going to have to eat at our trumpet party.

Maybe we'll be able to get him in that mood again. Hmmm.....

*smiles*

I feel.... better now. Like, just those few words- mostly meaningless- exchanged helped the way I was feeling. I'm still unsure what I am feeling. Towards that whole situation and every thing *cough* that is a part of it... but it's better. Better than it was. I can feel at peace at how it ended. Which is good.

Band camp starts tomorrow.
I am not looking forward to most of it.
You know, the death and all.
But I am looking forward to getting away from my family.
Leaving any other issues at home.
Working for something bigger than any of us will imagine.
Proving myself. Hopefully.
The preview show.
Oh yes, our first show.
Spending hours upon hours around people.
Some I hate, some I dislike, some I am indifferent toward, some I like, some I love.
Having those awesome people there be enough to outweigh the notsome.
Trying to keep my ribbon on one wrist.
I moved it last night.
The twenty one days begins, starting today.

"If God does exist, He did not create time. He simply used that time to create."

This is my little narrative short story thing. It's only the first draft, open and in need of editing. But yeah.




When I was in elementary school, I asked my parents if we could start going to church. At the time, they didn’t give an explanation as to why not. I don’t really know why I wanted to go. Back then, I took everything I was told and accepted it without question. I was told God existed and to honor and worship his supreme being you go to church. I wanted to learn about God. What he can and cannot do, what he and Jesus have done in the past, how he wants us to live our lives. I wanted to know. I wanted to be that good little church girl. When I was told that we were not going to go, I just accepted it as the only option. Now, a few years later, I realize there were other options and I wish one of those could have been the one.

In high school, I met some new people who showed me nobody has to believe something just because society and their parents tell them it’s so. I gained many friend of varying religious beliefs. Some were Catholic, some were Presbyterians, some were Methodist, others Muslims, some more Jewish. Even more than that; many religions were covered among my friends. Some of them were even Atheist. This last group is who got me thinking. They have friends, family, and society telling them to conform to religion- a specific religion, and yet, there is something inside them that just does not agree. They believe what they believe and they don’t care what other people tell them. And there are a lot of people who tell them they are wrong. Those extremely religious people who think everyone should believe in God, and to believe in anything other than him is just unnatural and wrong. These people who believe anything but the most common three of four views is wrong. My friends who differ ignore them. They ignore this close minded opinion of some of their friends, classmates, teachers, family, parents. My parents.

Around the time I made friends with these brave people who don’t feel the need to conform to society, I realized my parents are some of those people who strictly believe in the Bible. And they think to believe in something else is unacceptable. Needless to say, I refuse to tell my parents about my friends’ views, and how they affect me. Having friends who believe what they want and don’t let anyone change that made me realize I don’t have to group myself into a religion just because it’s “normal” and my parents want me to. Not only do I not have to, I shouldn’t. I should not just accept what people tell me to believe. I should figure it out for myself.

It wasn’t something someone can just sit down for a little while and figure out. It’s something to keep on one’s mind as the live their day to day life and when it comes, it comes. For me, it did not come as easy as I thought it would. I lived every day surrounded by many faiths and explanations of the universe. Each one with people faithfully believing that it's true. I listened to them all and accepted them as something people believe, but I never listened to one in a way that it is fact.

I have changed since I was young. I no longer only need to hear something to believe it. I need proof. I can't believe there is an almighty power of God without proof of such. I can not believe there is nothing over humans, either. Not unless there is proof of such. Maybe if I believed this more when I was young and in elementary school, I would have found a way to attend church and I would have formed a belief and knowledge of God. I wish I had. Maybe I would feel I know what is out there and what my life is meant to be.

Maybe I would feel complete. If there is a God, though, this must be what he meant for my life to be. If he created us all, he created how are minds are. He created us in a way to believe in him, to not believe in him, or to question him. Only death can tell.

I apologize.

I love you
No, not him, you
You're awesome
an amazing friend

You have only a few flaws
minor flaws
I easily look past
so I can embrace the awesome.

But they keep talking
about these flaws
that affect them
they won't go away

And as much as I try to
I can't stop concentrating on these
one or two little flaws.
I'm sorry.

This one was not just my fingers writing for me, but it did just flow and I wrote the first thing that popped into my mind.

Go away

I should give up
I know nothing will happen
I want it to
but you do not

I should give up
I will be happier as friends
I can move on
be with some
else

I should stop
Stop with the love
the power
you have over me

But I can't
I try
So damn much
but this power
it just can't go away.
I want it to.
God do I want it to.
But I just have to wait it out.
Until you are no longer there
Or until you realize how I feel.
Please, oh please let it be the later
And please let it be soon.

See explanation for previous post.

Ranted

Won't you look at me?
And see me
Who I am
Who I want to be
Who I want
Who I love

Won't you see me.
I want
I need to know
What you see
when you look at me
What you know
about me

What do you hate
what do you love
Is there a way
a chance
a hope.
I hope

I hope there is.




So I sat down, opened blogger, and tried to put my thoughts into words. I rested my fingertips on the keys and tried to get the thought. At some point, I just closed my brain and my fingers moved on their own. I know it sounds dumb, but it's true. I snapped back and noticed two and a half lines so I allowed my fingers to continue the writing for me. It came out in less than a minute. It's cliche, yeah, but I don't care. When I went back to "edit" all I did was fix typos. Not grammatical errors or punctuation or anything. Just when words were spelled wrong. I think it's best this way...

...

Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write
Think
Reflect
Write

Redone.

So, I am very unhappy with how my "Thoughts" poem turned out. So, I took the same idea and inspiration and rewrote it. I'm not sure how I feel about this one either. Tell me what your opinion is, please. Is it better? Or worse?

On my mind
these words
these thoughts
So carefully planned.

I want you to hear them
I need you to know.
What I think
And what I feel.

I open my mouth
Ready to speak them to you
When they come out
my words have changed.

I tell you something different
Meaningless
Untrue

As you reply with your equally
Meaningless
response, I can’t help but wonder
why you’ll never know.

Talent

Yet another unedited poem.
:p

Some of us have it.
Some of us don't.
Some of us use it.
Some of us throw it aside.
Some of us don't have it.
But use it anyway.

That is me.
I work
and work
and work
but seem to never achive
what needs to be.

I can not seem to develop talent.
You tell me I am good.
I am better than I think.
That I have achieved talent.
I know you only lie.

You do, though.
You are, have always been
great.
But you deny it.
I tell you you're good.
You are better than you think.
That you have achieved talent.
I know it's true.

That's the same thing you tell me.
Niether of us will believe it to be
true.
We both believe the other is good
and insist it is true.
I am sure you are, though.

Maybe it is true.
Maybe you really do think so.
Maybe I have achieved some.

Think

So, this blog is becoming a bit of a poem sharing blog. *shrug*
It's not like I'm going to put them on facebook or anything!
I really do not feel comfortable showing them to.... well, anyone.
*shrugs.*

I have a tendency to get an idea for a poem.
Think about it for at LEAST a week.
Finally write the poem... in 5-10 minutes.
Post it.
Realize I should have spent more time editing it because it sucks.
Then repeat.

That process is no different for this. xD
Btw, that's my excuses for the extreme level of suck.

*moves ribbon*
Dang.

Here I stand
thinking
of what to say
to you.
My response.
My thoughts.
They must be spoken-
communicated to you.

I clear my thought.
I know what to say.
What you will soon know.

I open my mouth-
speak.
Words come out.
Words I spoke.

I can not help but wonder
why they are so different from
those thoughts
I meant
and were so
carefully produced.

Ribbons are fun.

Do you, random reader, know what I hate?
I hate being so dang pessimistic.
I don't think I really need to explain why I hate it... it's kinda self explanatory, is it not?

I was watching someone (Alex Day) vlog on youtube, and he was wearing this bracelet.
He furthered explained the reasoning behind the bracelet and the challenge it brings.
It's a challenge I am going to take, as well.
I don't have any fancy bracelet, so I'm just going to use a ribbon I like to wear around my writs a lot.

The challenge is to wear the same one bracelet/ribbon on the same one wrist for a full 21 days.
Easy, right?
Nope.
Every time you complain about something you have to switch which wrist it's on. And, as I said, it has to stay on the SAME wrist for 21 days. So, each time you complain the 21 days begins.
The idea is... if you go 21 days with building that habit, it'll stick.
It's awesome.
I'm going to alter it slightly, though.
Every time I say something negative, I have to switch wrists.
That includes stuff like "You're dumb", "This'll suck", " I suck", ect.
Hopefully I will reverse my habit of negativity.

So, Katie, if you see me play with a ribbon constantly during sectionals and constantly move it... you know why. And you have permission to laugh at me. xD

Oh, July.

I've been..... criticized for being a bit... pessimistic at band.
I know that I am.
I know it's obnoxious.
But it's nothing more than me being hard on myself.
That I know how good we are going to be, and it's frustrating not getting there quicker.
It's the same as last month. Everyone is good. The trumpets are rocking. Seconds and thirds.... wow. I'm proud of everyone and I am proud to be a part of the section and band. But ME not being above anything is..... gah. Idk. If I make a comment such as "this is going to be out of tune" I mean I (hmm... I would've capitalized that even if it wasn't natural to capitalize "i") am going to out of tune. I'm hard on myself and can't feel like I am where I should be.... which is not helped by... *cough* yeah. That's a rant for another time.

Hmm... I think I am going to write a little message on here for each person in the trumpet section- the thing I really want to tell anyone but would be too afraid too/can't right now. .... but not have names because... I can. I think that can explain my camp more than ranting would.

Dude. You can really rock. You've proved that more than once. Just prove it again by making sure you keep your head in the game. You've always been spacey. But you have to fix that.

You're doing good. Really. But you need to find that next level of intensity and realize that it's not as much fun and games as you think. You need to change the way you thin k when moving and playing. Act like... you are the best person on that field. Have that much confidence and intensity to yourself, but also try to really be the best person on the field by doing anything to improve yourself.

You know what? I was thinking about you. Not that I hate you. But I hate the little things you say or do. You've made it very clear you don't want me there. You don't think I belong there. And then you get frustrated when I tell myself I don't belong there and express it with my actions?? Really? You told ME when you thought that horrible thing happened. Not him, or him, or her, but me. You knew I would be there if you needed it... why can't you do the same? I could rant about the many things you say for a while. But I won't. Because I really do not want to have a complete mental breakdown, and I know I will if I unravel all of those forgotten things you have said or done. Why do you have this impact on me?

I love you. But you're acting like her. You know... her. The person you say you hate.

I'm sorry. I know you are better than me, but that darn trumpet pride, ya know? That could probably change if you could start treating more of an equal. I know he isn't helping, but please? I could prove I deserve to be here if you just let me feel more confident.

I love you (dearly not queerly). I hate that there is/was something bothering you. You're awesomesauce. You've really done a lot this camp. A lot of improvement. It's cheesy saying, but I'm proud of you! xD Just.... remember you're good, okay? I feel like you forget it at times or... something. But you're definitely awesome. Just remember.

Wow. You're good. Has someone said that to you? I'm sure they have. Just remember this and be confident. We have a lot of confidence in you, Mr. Rookie.

I can't think of much to say to you except to practice more to get/keep the feel. Of both. Or else you'll fail in September. And that comment at the end of the day. o.o Do you know that I still....

Okay, I'm back to you again. I'm texting you right now, explaining what I hate about you. And then it makes me mad that you are just so freaking.... awesome about it. Like you really did not realize how much it bothers me and you want me to feel better about it all. Maybe that's why you have this impact on me. There is still more that bothers me a lot, though. Like those weird comments with him..... that seem almost... coded.

I haz no title. :o

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can never hurt me.
Words can never hurt me.
Words will never hurt me.
Words are too beautiful
Too precious
Too possible
Words will never hurt me.
Worlds will always help me.

I need to speak
to write
to explain my splattered brain.
Pencil to paper
Fingers to keys
Words come
they flow
from me
to you
to anyone
willing
to accept them.
The beautiful letters they hold
The meanings
A series of curves and lines
So beautiful
So precious
So powerful

They may never hurt me.
They can only allow me to
do
and be
and feel
good.

My favorite book

So, I lied. I found this poem I wrote a while ago and was told to post it. xD

Slowly, I walk
to your beautiful, colorful shelf.
I life my hand,
slowly tracing the volumes lined around you.
So many insignificant chapters
pointless words
irrelevant messages.
Then I am stopped
as if by an unknown control.
I stroke your spine
reading the words placed there.
Even such wonderful words
seem like nothing compared to the
magic beneath them.
Gently, I pull you out,
slowly turning the first pages.
Finally, I am home.

Let us like.

Last night I needed to write.
My mind was spazzing with so many frayed ideas.
I couldn't concentrate on doing anything or on just one of these ideas.
So I decided to write.
I wanted a quote to write off of.
I figured that would help me pick an idea to go off of and allow me to write with out a lot of ranting and rambling.
In my search for a quote I got slightly distracted.
I love vlogbrothers quotes.
A lot of them could have been used to write, but I chose not to at the time.
But this whole time, my mind was still aching with the need to write something.
Anything.
So I went to bed that night, got the journal and pen on my bedside table, and wrote.
I wanted to write some sort of narrative story, but I still had not picked a quote to go from, so I just wrote poems.
They both turned out pretty ranty and suckish, but I'm happy with how they turned out.
When I was finished, I told myself I was going to put them here, on my blog, today.
But then I realized that I'm not going to do that.
Not only because I don't believe in my writing abilities, but because my writings sometimes have topics that I write about only because I can't say it out loud.
I try to hide my largest insecurities or things that bother me from most people.
Posting poems that explore these topics would not be hiding them.
So, while I love writing, and love sharing my splattered brain with people, I can't.
Not until I write about more in general, not about what I know and feel.
I tend to write about things that make me sad or angry, not things that make me happy.
Why is that, though?
Why do people tend to dwell on things that are negative, and not positive?
Arn't the feelings just as strong?
It's like Hang Green said, "I think that it's important to like stuff, cause we spend a lot of time thinking about things we don't like. Whether its the world ending, or inequality, or sex and the city. We often just accept the things that we like, and complain a lot about the things that we don't like. But if we could, like, intensely dwell on the really great things in life the way we intensely dwell on the negative things in life; I think that would be fantastic."