So I feel like updating. Because I can. I'm really really really really hyper right nowwwwwwwwww.
fgaeklf
dfd
Wheeeeeeee!
I can't stop laughing. I have no idea why I even started laughing. Bekka and Richard think I'm on crack. It's great fun! Great gollops of fun! Wheeee! *dances*
I guess this is better than the mood I was in yesterday?
Post about posty things is....posty.
People need to keep sugar away from me.
Do do do do do -DO!
I need to do my homewooooork. But I don't feel like it. And I need to read Going Bovine because I really want to read it. And I'm on crack.
And...WHEEEEEEEEEE!
30 December 2010
28 December 2010
Anxiety?
Most people don't know this, but only because it does not matter. A few months ago I had an appointment. I was nervous and afraid of being judged and such, so I played everything down and tried making my life seem perfect. Kinda ironic, yes? But still... i was diagnosed even with all the pretty good cover ups. I don't know what kind, or what level, but I do have an anxiety disorder. I'm not going to sit here ranting about what exactly what that means... but every once in a while I think about it. I'm not one who thinks a non professional can diagnose someone. A close friend of mine knew the darker sides of my life and tried to get me to ask my mom to help me see someone for a diagnosis. She told me what she thought I had. She has it, so I understood that. But she was not about to say I definitely have it. You can go on Web MD and look up symptoms to whatever, but without a professional diagnosis you can never be sure and honestly are probably a bit off on what you think. Now, I wish that at that appointment I had been at least a little open because I think she would have said something different, or something more. But it's too late and I can't say anything of the sort. At the appointment i was just so nervous and scared and I have no idea why. I do that a lot. I panic and worry and such over small things, potentially good things- something I'm sure you have noticed. But when I look back and try to figure out what the big deal was- I can't. Is that part of my "disorder"? Everything I do in public makes me feel awkward and scrutinized. Even at my birthday party, standing in front of 10-12 of my friends, I felt awkward and scared. Is that part of it? I cry really easily, over small things. Is that part of it? Or am I just unironically emotional? I have a friend, and he really means a lot to me. He hates that I put up an apathetic front to things. But I'm too afraid of what would happen if I show how much I care about everything. Is that part of it? Or just something else, something small, silly? I don't tell him very much at all. I am afraid he will react negatively and judge me in horrible ways and not want to be my friend anymore. Is that related? Or is that just an irrational fear and inability to see life without him playing some part in it? Whenever I talk to him, I am afraid that I am annoying him and bothering him. What's that? I was going through a rough period in January, one of these frequent moods of being nothing better than second best... ever. But this time it lasted longer than usual. I confronted in my friend. About how I would never be anyone's number one best friend, about how nobody would ever like me "in that way", about how I might be "smart" in school, but that's only really slightly above average, at music I might be better than some people but I still suck and just everything like that. When I said I was nobody's real best friend, she told me I was hers. It took me weeks, maybe months to believe she was not just trying to make me feel good. Right now I'm worrying that when people read this, they are not even going to make it this far. They might not even care enough to read it. If they do read it this far, they will just think I'm annoying and whine too much. One of my friends always gets annoyed that I am too paranoid that he is mad at me for some reason or thinks I suck or that I am annoying (which I am) or that he does not want to be my friend, or thinks I'm clingy (which I am- because I worry that people tire of me so easily and will just start ignoring me) or that he knows more than I want him to. Is that just normal? Or is that part of it? I really don't know what this does to my life... I don't know what can be blamed on it and what isn't. That grammar sucks. But yeah, I mean I'm not about to use and "disorder" as an excuse or as a handicap or anything. I just think sometimes. there is a lot I'm not even saying because I'm afraid you will think I am overreacting/ overreacted to that situation or think it's whiny or something dumb. I never talk about this for the same reasons. I have too much of a fear of being judges. Oh well.
22 December 2010
ofnmfaklsdnmfk
Warning: This is a ranty pissed off but really just depressed angsty post about stupid people. Don't be surprised if you see large amounts of - I just get the idea to send him a message then I realized he probably wouldn't respond anyway for reasons too be explained soon- ... anyway. Large amounts of tears and profanity.
It's almost like he really took the meaning of me being like a sister to him too far. Brothers don't tell sisters things you stopped telling me. When you like someone I have to read about it in a freaking status and then ask you about it. When you're depressed, I notice it right away. I try talking to you about it. You can't admit it in person, only over the internet. Then it turns into me talking about how amazing you are, I say something that makes you uncomfortable or realize that I've said too much and the conversation stops. A lot of our conversations have been this way lately. Being such good friends means we can talk about the more serious and important stuff, but I like talking and laughing and having fun with you, too. The things you complain about with my personality the most are the things I have begun to do to protect myself from you. I like to put up an apathetic front around you a lot. When I let my emotions show, show how much I care, I cry more than I care to. Like now. Do you want me to tell you how much I care? You don't. I know you don't. You just think I'm annoying. do you remember that night you and him (him- the guy I liked but stopped as soon as you became involved in our relationship. That happens a lot) called me at 11:30 at night? I was sobbing right before you called and you didn't even fucking notice. How can you say we're "best friends" and not notice when I'm that distraught? I've told you that I look up to you about everything, that you are one of the few people I am most comfortable around, that you are one of my best friends, that you are one of the people i put up that apathetic front for..... I've confessed so much about my platonic feelings towards you. Yet I feel like it's only pushing you away. Am I really annoying you that much? Do you know who I don't let go when you say something and won't explain? It's not a habit of mine. You're the only person I do it with. I need to know what you are thinking anytime it's related to me. I always secretly wonder what other people think when they see us together. It could be anything. It could be nothing. It could be that we're such perfect friends, that we always argue like an old married could, or like siblings, we are an unlikely friendship, something more. Or maybe they don't realize anything at all. I almost posted a tumblr post asking the band kids from our school what they think, I talk about you enough on there. They probably have put it together by now. But they also probably don't care. Why would they? It's just insignificant me. I wonder if they have put it toge I hate it when I am talking to you and these girls that you call annoying hoes come up and you redirect your attention to them. I used to wait for you, but if you want me to start acting like I care every time one of them walks in I need to turn around and walk out. You want me to act like I care? Fine. I will cry if I need to cry. It will be obvious how much I love and need you. You won't like it. But if that's what you want.
Yesterday I was messaging you. I thought it was an okay conversation. You were taking weird amount of time to reply though. I guess i figured out why. Scrolling down my news feed I saw you were talking to someone else. She is more important, better, prettier. You like her better, in every way and every sense. Who ever she is. It's not like you'll tell me. You've stopped telling me.
I keep checking my facebook to see if you replied yet. Shocking, you havn't. I wonder who she is. But more I wonder why you haven't told me.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I won't get to see you. Not for another 2 weeks. I didn't even get the chance to say bye.
Will you call me to say Happy Birthday at least? Or message me or write on my wall? anything?
For some reason, I don't think you will. Thanks, best friend.
You look at us like Harry and Hermione. I wish we were a Hermione and Ron. Too bad for me I guess.
Ever since this weekend I just can't get you off my mind. Not for more than a few minutes at a time. I can just be sitting there, and you will say or do something and something in my mind clicks. I've realized with each click I fall more and more for you.
At the assembly today, I felt perfect. You on one side, we were sitting there quietly joking talking... smiling laughing. the whole ban mush have noticed. I was watching simple music from the chorus, I had another friend on the other side... it felt perfect to me. The only thing that could have made it better is if you felt just as perfect as I did.
It's almost like he really took the meaning of me being like a sister to him too far. Brothers don't tell sisters things you stopped telling me. When you like someone I have to read about it in a freaking status and then ask you about it. When you're depressed, I notice it right away. I try talking to you about it. You can't admit it in person, only over the internet. Then it turns into me talking about how amazing you are, I say something that makes you uncomfortable or realize that I've said too much and the conversation stops. A lot of our conversations have been this way lately. Being such good friends means we can talk about the more serious and important stuff, but I like talking and laughing and having fun with you, too. The things you complain about with my personality the most are the things I have begun to do to protect myself from you. I like to put up an apathetic front around you a lot. When I let my emotions show, show how much I care, I cry more than I care to. Like now. Do you want me to tell you how much I care? You don't. I know you don't. You just think I'm annoying. do you remember that night you and him (him- the guy I liked but stopped as soon as you became involved in our relationship. That happens a lot) called me at 11:30 at night? I was sobbing right before you called and you didn't even fucking notice. How can you say we're "best friends" and not notice when I'm that distraught? I've told you that I look up to you about everything, that you are one of the few people I am most comfortable around, that you are one of my best friends, that you are one of the people i put up that apathetic front for..... I've confessed so much about my platonic feelings towards you. Yet I feel like it's only pushing you away. Am I really annoying you that much? Do you know who I don't let go when you say something and won't explain? It's not a habit of mine. You're the only person I do it with. I need to know what you are thinking anytime it's related to me. I always secretly wonder what other people think when they see us together. It could be anything. It could be nothing. It could be that we're such perfect friends, that we always argue like an old married could, or like siblings, we are an unlikely friendship, something more. Or maybe they don't realize anything at all. I almost posted a tumblr post asking the band kids from our school what they think, I talk about you enough on there. They probably have put it together by now. But they also probably don't care. Why would they? It's just insignificant me. I wonder if they have put it toge I hate it when I am talking to you and these girls that you call annoying hoes come up and you redirect your attention to them. I used to wait for you, but if you want me to start acting like I care every time one of them walks in I need to turn around and walk out. You want me to act like I care? Fine. I will cry if I need to cry. It will be obvious how much I love and need you. You won't like it. But if that's what you want.
Yesterday I was messaging you. I thought it was an okay conversation. You were taking weird amount of time to reply though. I guess i figured out why. Scrolling down my news feed I saw you were talking to someone else. She is more important, better, prettier. You like her better, in every way and every sense. Who ever she is. It's not like you'll tell me. You've stopped telling me.
I keep checking my facebook to see if you replied yet. Shocking, you havn't. I wonder who she is. But more I wonder why you haven't told me.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I won't get to see you. Not for another 2 weeks. I didn't even get the chance to say bye.
Will you call me to say Happy Birthday at least? Or message me or write on my wall? anything?
For some reason, I don't think you will. Thanks, best friend.
You look at us like Harry and Hermione. I wish we were a Hermione and Ron. Too bad for me I guess.
Ever since this weekend I just can't get you off my mind. Not for more than a few minutes at a time. I can just be sitting there, and you will say or do something and something in my mind clicks. I've realized with each click I fall more and more for you.
At the assembly today, I felt perfect. You on one side, we were sitting there quietly joking talking... smiling laughing. the whole ban mush have noticed. I was watching simple music from the chorus, I had another friend on the other side... it felt perfect to me. The only thing that could have made it better is if you felt just as perfect as I did.
17 December 2010
Hi, Katie.
So, I told Katie I would blog today. So I am.
Technically.
Really, this is all I'm writing so I keep my promise, but I don't fell too great in any aspect so I'm going to write a real blog tomorrow. But I'm still technically keeping my promise. :P
<3
Technically.
Really, this is all I'm writing so I keep my promise, but I don't fell too great in any aspect so I'm going to write a real blog tomorrow. But I'm still technically keeping my promise. :P
<3
08 December 2010
One Day Too Late
So, this song... I heard it a while ago when an awesome friend asked me to listen to it for something, and I fell in love with it right then. I listened to it so many times, over and over.... and I told myself I was going to do it. Finally do it all. And I still havn't. I think it's really time.
"Tick tock, hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late?
Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness, I guess, I just forget
To do all the things I said
Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up
One step behind, now I've made my mind up
Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it
Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late, one day too late
Tick tock, hear my life pass by
I can't erase and I can't rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do
Wish I'd spent more time with you
Here's my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
In the end I'll make it up to you
You'll see, you'll get the very best of me
Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up
One step behind, now I've made my mind up
Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it
Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
Your time is running out
You're never gonna get it back
So make the most of every moment
Stop saving the best for last
Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it
Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late, one day too late
One day too late, one day too late"
"Tick tock, hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late?
Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness, I guess, I just forget
To do all the things I said
Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up
One step behind, now I've made my mind up
Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it
Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late, one day too late
Tick tock, hear my life pass by
I can't erase and I can't rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do
Wish I'd spent more time with you
Here's my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
In the end I'll make it up to you
You'll see, you'll get the very best of me
Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up
One step behind, now I've made my mind up
Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it
Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
Your time is running out
You're never gonna get it back
So make the most of every moment
Stop saving the best for last
Today, I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it
Today, I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late, one day too late
One day too late, one day too late"
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