From last night.

Why are boys so dumb? Why are they SOO against it when people care about them? Especially when the people that care are the people that are supposedly their best friends? If someone is going to care about you it’s going to be your friend. Friends are the only ones that you can count on being there all the time. When you push them away over and over they are going to break and shatter and fall apart and cry. And if you are so against them caring, you won’t care what you do to them. How you make them feel. How much you break them. Yet, no matter how much you push them away and make them feel useless, they still care. So, when you act like you never did them any wrong and come back into their life, they accept it. They will just go along with it and not say anything, which only makes things worse the next time it happens. Wouldn’t a true friend be someone who actually cares? Who will go back to you if you ask, without question or any words being spoken. At some point, after constantly being pushed away and hurt, they are going to have to figure out how much they care, and if they are willing to put themselves through all of that for you. If she cares enough she will. She definitely cares. Loves. In love.

/rant

D:

Me: I know you're not going to respond to this... you're probably busy hanging out with your real friends, as you put it.
But why does it really matter if I care?

Perry: IDK

Me: Yeah I Didn't Think You Would Actually Answer.

Perry: HAHA

Me: You make me sad

Perry: WHY

Me: Because you a jerk. And say I'm not your friend. And ignore me.

Perry: I DONT IGNORE U LIKE U DO TO ME

Me: I started ignoring you when you said I wasn't your friend

Perry: HAHA I NEVER SAID THOSE WORDS

Me: Not those exact words but thats what you said

Perry: I WAS KIDDING

Me: Not at first

Perry: HAHA IT WORKED

Me: What?

Perry: NOTHING IMA GO TO BED SUPER TIRED GOT CHURCH TOMORROW

Me:Well apparently I shouldn't care about you so why should I care if you're tired?
Okay. Bye.

Perry: JERK

Me: How?

That's all right now.

Don't Worry

In a totally not suicidal just kinda weird and morbid way I often wonder about who would come to my funeral if I died.

We Are Who We Areeee

It's almost 11 and the lovely Katie got me sick so I really should be going to sleep soon but I don't want to.

As recently, I'm worried about him. I wish there was more I could do for him. I'm proud of him for finally standing up for himself. He was "talking" to her, flirting. We all knew he was going back- again. Yesterday we were texting (I keep finding excuses to text him or message him because I want to be there for him but I don't know how. Becka doesn't think there really is a way to.) Anyway, we were texting and he randomly told me that he told her he can't date her. I'm not going to put the details... I'm always unsure about posting details of things he tells me because I'm never sure if it's something he doesn't want the general public to know or if he doesn't care.

My weekend was weirdly good. I argued with my parents too much Saturday, but other than that it's been awesome. Friday I went to the mall with Katie and Richard and Shannon. That was filled with plenty of fun. Especially "If you want to stalk me I'm in Dick's" Hahahaha. That was fun. Then Saturday I went to Katie's house to watch the Ravens/Steelers game. Very entertaining, even though spending so much time around her got me SICK! Jerk. <3>
I feel bad I did not practice at all, but I've had too much fun this weekend. It would have been perfect if my parents let me make sammiches in the theater. ;)

Oh yeah! For Christmas Becka got these friendship bracelet things made by Kenyan women.... they're really pretty. There were instructions to them. Each best friend puts one on then cuts the little string tieing them together while wishing for something. I like 'em.

So the weather in the morning is not supposed to be good. Nobody thinks we are gong to have school. In a way that's good... but I really want to see how he is doing. I could call him, but I don't want to flood him with care, that's annoying. I could also message him but it the same idea. Even if I did I know he would lie... but if I seem him in person I'd be able to tell.

So, I told my mom that if I didn't have a date for prom I was going to bring Katie. She didn't really respond... then a few minutes later said I should bring my friend Perry.
LOL
Ideally I'd have a date....but if not, whatever. I don't have many super close guy friends to ask as friends.
HEY RICHARD!
Haha.... but seriously. I don't know.
Good thing it's a while away.

I don't really have much to say.
It's been a really nice weekend.

I have Ke$ha stuck in my head.

Wake me up when September comes.

My parents get upset when I say how I can't freaking wait to go away to college and as far as possible, then they say or do stuff that makes me want to go even more. See, for no reason at all it's better for me to sit at home all day on tumblr and watching Degrassi than actually going out 2-3 hours a day and having a small social life. I can't even practice when I'm home because my family sleeps ALL THE TIME. I can only do anything once a week, if that. It's not like I'm a bad kid or get in trouble at all. And half the time they don't even drive me when they finally say I can do whatever it is, making me feel like crap for always asking my friends parents for rides. I can't drive with other teenagers and God knows they won't help me learn to drive myself. You'd think that after a while they would realize that if it wasn't for these friends they almost never let me see I wouldn't even be here.

/rant

Luke here, with an update... Wait.

Hey! I'm blogging just because I can and not because I have something to rant about.

So if you get the title, you are awesome.

Hey! Want to know something exciting?? Maryland might legalize gay marriage! I'm entirely too happy about this. I told my mom, and my sister.... and I was too enthusiastic about it. They probably think I'm a lesbian. Haha, nope. But it's pretty fantastic. xD
My mom said she didn't really care either way, if two people wanted to get married there are enough states that allow gay marriage they can get married there.
That's not the freaking point. *sigh* The more states that accept gay marriage, the closer America is to legalizing and acknowledging gay marriage. She said it didn't matter because it would happen eventually anyway. Still, not the point. :P
My parents are not the most supportive of LGBT.

So... it's a snow day today. I was quite excited when I found out. Sleep good. Even though it's almost two thirty my dad still is not up, so I have not been able to practice at all today. *sigh* I really freaking hate how much my family sleeps. People stay in bed until three ish, and then stay up all night. Then my mom naps all the time. It's too dysfunctional. I mean, I'm all for being different or whatever, but a little normalcy is nice. Is normalcy even a word? I don't care. Haha. But it's just too much... especially when it stops me from ever practicing.

You know.... ever since I made the decision to minor in music I've had more fun with music. I've thought about it more seriously, I've tried fixing the things I've been needing to fix.... I just can't wait until college when I can have lessons.... xD

Do do do.... I like Harry Potter.

Gaaaahhhhhh! I wanna practice so much right now....

I was talking to Katie about this last night... the thing that makes me hesitant to go away to college is leaving all of my friends behind. Most of my closest friends are juniors and sophomores... I don't want to have my friends as just people of my past. There are a few people who I know I will stay in contact with, but there are also some I'm afraid I will lose contact with. Which is scary. Really really scary.

My life has been pretty boring lately. Other than dumb issues with some, uh, people... I've been fine. I hate that I never get anything done during lunch, and I'm going to try and fix that. I love my friends and I want to be there for them but sometimes I need to put my own needs before theirs after a while.

My past few weeks have been sent sitting on the couch, watching the recorded episodes of the month long Degrassi marathon, refreshing Facebook and Tumblr every two minutes..... Then practicing if I EVER get the chance. Which I usually don't really. Because dumb people in my house sleep too much. I have Going Bovine and I really really want to read it, but I want to finish the 20th century Novel book first, because I don't really like reading two books at once. But I don't have much desire to read this book, it's Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. So I'm probably going to end up starting Going Bovine once this class is over. I love this class, but I do hate reading on a schedule.

I really want to hang out with friends. There are plenty of friends who I have not hung out with enough recently. And by plenty I mean all of them. Do you think my dad would let me do something everyday this weekend? I don't. He is against me having that much fun. I have no idea why. It's not like I need to stay home to do school work, I don't have much of that. It's not like I do anything bad.

Maybe I will force Shannon and Richard to let me join them if they actually make sammiches while seeing Tangled. ;-)
And Becka and I need to have a Tinkerbell and Princess and the Frog sleepover. We have been talking about such a sleepover, or at least a Tinkerbell sleepover, for over a year and it still has not happened.... :p So we should do that soon.
We still have not had a section party. I think, or really... know Perry is basically putting that all in my hands. Hey Katie! Lets plan this shindig. Haha
I miss Khai a lot... and Laura. I don't know if Laura is allowed to really do anything, but I definitely wanna hang out with Khai sometime soon.

So I lost my chapstick a while ago and I havn't gotten more yet, and it's completely driving me crazy because I usually use it 57q34209u times a day. I totally put the q and u in there on purpose. What?

I'm way too excited to see who is going to be in what band next year. Obviously I'm going to graduate and be gone, but I still an really interested. I plan on visiting the marching band a large amount during band camp, and when they come to Towson. If I go to Towson. I'm still thinking about McDaniel. ;-)

Oh, most of you don't know. I'm becoming a bit of a RAVENS fan. I want to watch the games every week, but I usually don't get to because the only person in my house who will stand watching it is my dad and he always leaves to watch it at a friends. But I'm freaking excited for them and all. Seriously.

So I'm going to go now so I stop rambling about unimportant annoying stuff.

I have too much fun with colors.... :P
That don't even look good together.

fyi

Just for the record: for all who know I felt like crap yesterday. I'm better now, I guess. :)

MUSIC

Some of you might know, others of you not. So two weeks ago I was planning on majoring in Music. Music, music ed., anything in music. Then I had a conversation with my band director and he made me aware of other options and such.... told me what he thinks of everything related to any of that stuff. It was a nice conversation, but made me think lots and lots.
But that's not what I'm really here to talk about.
Recently I officially decided to major in biology instead of music. I'm going to minor in music instead. I really liked this decision and blah blah.... I plan to go to Towson for a year or two then transferring to John Hopkins.
So, yesterday during Flex I went down to the band room and told my band director, Mr. Drake, that I have made this decision of minoring. He was very happy for me. He asked what I was going to major in, I said biology. I told him that after a year or two at Towson I want to go to Hopkins, if I can get the grades. He said that I will, because I work hard... or something like that. It made me feel special. xD Haha. But yeah.... he said he really thinks I should minor in music.
I told him I would get the music he lent me for auditions back to him soon, he told me to hold on to them. I'll need them at some point another or... something. And it's really fun to play.

Then today I went after the end of third mod/the begining of lunch to get music from him for Shannon. As he was making a copy of the music he started the conversation back up with me. He wanted me to be sure that he thinks it's a great idea for me to minor in music. That he knows I'm serious about it and going further into is really the thing for me to do with how much I care and the potential I show, but I'm just not at a major-in-music level. He said he fully believes that in the near future things will really begin fitting together even more, but the one thing that I need to get better and to fix little things is a private teacher, but that's not something I have right now or will be able to have really anytime soon, and he knows that. Dumb money. But yeah... he said that after being so enthusiastic about me telling him i was going to minor in music he thought back and decided he should make sure I knew that he wasn't glad about my decision because he didn't think I was or could be good enough but because he thought well... I already said basically what he thinks. He talked about how being around the really good players at Towson, just being around them, will help me be able to improve tons. Then, when I go to Hopkins minoring in music I'll probably play side by side with the AMAZING musicians at peabody which could make me even better. Something I can't have here. Perry is really good, but still finding his own way. Drake said even Ellett (A really really amazing trumpet player who graduated a few years ago) wouldn't have given that (when he was in high school.) Also, Biology is something that will provide a more stable life, as far as money goes. And I can always go to graduate school to get a masters in music, so I will still be able to become a professional musician with this option. At some point I mentioned McDaniel and really all he said about that is that Rachel works there. Of course I know who she is, her last name is something like Zefner but I have no idea if that's spelled right. She's an amazing player and an amazing teacher. He told me that she is the one who teaches Sam something or another from Century HS... then, in case I didn't know who she was, clarified that she is the 1st chair all county trumpet player. (she was last year, too. And she's in Peabody Youth Orchestra, and she was in Jr. All State her freshman year.... haha Perry and I met her at the all county auditions) I pointed out that Luke goes to her. He also said that's who he is going to send Zach (his private student- he is in 8th grade right now) to next year because he can't private teach kids from his school. Apparently if I went up to him right now and asked about teachers he would immediately give me her information. This is all unimportant, but yeah.... that's what happened. It was cool....

Then i ended the conversation telling him that Perry was going to kill me for saying anything but he's been mopy and hating band and wanting to give up because he feels like he sucks and isn't getting any better and feels bad about everything. I told him I told Perry to talk to him but he wouldn't so yeah. He thanked me for bringing it to my attention. Haha. During lunch I told Perry that I told Drake. I knew he would be mad... he was.... they had a nice talk at the beginning of band though. Apparently, in this conversation, Drake told Perry not to be mad at me for telling. Hahaha.

Yupp, that's it. I'm excited.

What I'm not excited for is how hard it is to talk to People the minimal amount possible. Especially when he taunts me from across a crowded band room.

Aaaaahhhh.

My title's are always so spazzy and not very good at all.
Sorry.
You'll get over it. ;P

So you guys, my lovely five followers, need to give me your opinion. When I say he you know exactly who I'm talking about, right? Good.
We have been having this slight ongoing argument.... about me putting up an apathetic front about so much and also about how I never tell him stuff. The two are completely related and all and I want to fix it more than anyone knows but I don't know how. I told him if I started telling him more he would realize I care, but I have other reasons for not telling him. Like him realizing just how creepy it is how much I like him, or realizing how much of a loser I am, or....really, anything that makes me worried that... him knowing will make him hesitant to stay friends.
He was watching some program TV show thing this weekend and on it the guy said something about pretending like you don't care might seem like it will stop you from getting hurt more but really it only makes it worse for whatever reason, and hearing that reminded him of me. I told him I know that, but whatever. I want to stop, I really do, I just don't know how. I realize we're going to have this disagreement until I fix it.... but I just don't know how.

I was thinking about telling him about my blog. Saying that if he wants to know stuff, he should go there. Either this one or tumblr. But to do that would mean deleting some of the heavier posts about him and I don't know if I want to do it/ if it's worth it. Especially since, chances are, he won't care enough to read anything anyway. That's been made more than obvious, I think. But that's another story. Him being weird lately. Hmm....

Anyway, what do you think I should, lovely followers? I said my real options throughout this post and I neeeeed help.