Anxiety?

Most people don't know this, but only because it does not matter. A few months ago I had an appointment. I was nervous and afraid of being judged and such, so I played everything down and tried making my life seem perfect. Kinda ironic, yes? But still... i was diagnosed even with all the pretty good cover ups. I don't know what kind, or what level, but I do have an anxiety disorder. I'm not going to sit here ranting about what exactly what that means... but every once in a while I think about it. I'm not one who thinks a non professional can diagnose someone. A close friend of mine knew the darker sides of my life and tried to get me to ask my mom to help me see someone for a diagnosis. She told me what she thought I had. She has it, so I understood that. But she was not about to say I definitely have it. You can go on Web MD and look up symptoms to whatever, but without a professional diagnosis you can never be sure and honestly are probably a bit off on what you think. Now, I wish that at that appointment I had been at least a little open because I think she would have said something different, or something more. But it's too late and I can't say anything of the sort. At the appointment i was just so nervous and scared and I have no idea why. I do that a lot. I panic and worry and such over small things, potentially good things- something I'm sure you have noticed. But when I look back and try to figure out what the big deal was- I can't. Is that part of my "disorder"? Everything I do in public makes me feel awkward and scrutinized. Even at my birthday party, standing in front of 10-12 of my friends, I felt awkward and scared. Is that part of it? I cry really easily, over small things. Is that part of it? Or am I just unironically emotional? I have a friend, and he really means a lot to me. He hates that I put up an apathetic front to things. But I'm too afraid of what would happen if I show how much I care about everything. Is that part of it? Or just something else, something small, silly? I don't tell him very much at all. I am afraid he will react negatively and judge me in horrible ways and not want to be my friend anymore. Is that related? Or is that just an irrational fear and inability to see life without him playing some part in it? Whenever I talk to him, I am afraid that I am annoying him and bothering him. What's that? I was going through a rough period in January, one of these frequent moods of being nothing better than second best... ever. But this time it lasted longer than usual. I confronted in my friend. About how I would never be anyone's number one best friend, about how nobody would ever like me "in that way", about how I might be "smart" in school, but that's only really slightly above average, at music I might be better than some people but I still suck and just everything like that. When I said I was nobody's real best friend, she told me I was hers. It took me weeks, maybe months to believe she was not just trying to make me feel good. Right now I'm worrying that when people read this, they are not even going to make it this far. They might not even care enough to read it. If they do read it this far, they will just think I'm annoying and whine too much. One of my friends always gets annoyed that I am too paranoid that he is mad at me for some reason or thinks I suck or that I am annoying (which I am) or that he does not want to be my friend, or thinks I'm clingy (which I am- because I worry that people tire of me so easily and will just start ignoring me) or that he knows more than I want him to. Is that just normal? Or is that part of it? I really don't know what this does to my life... I don't know what can be blamed on it and what isn't. That grammar sucks. But yeah, I mean I'm not about to use and "disorder" as an excuse or as a handicap or anything. I just think sometimes. there is a lot I'm not even saying because I'm afraid you will think I am overreacting/ overreacted to that situation or think it's whiny or something dumb. I never talk about this for the same reasons. I have too much of a fear of being judges. Oh well.