Oh, July.

I've been..... criticized for being a bit... pessimistic at band.
I know that I am.
I know it's obnoxious.
But it's nothing more than me being hard on myself.
That I know how good we are going to be, and it's frustrating not getting there quicker.
It's the same as last month. Everyone is good. The trumpets are rocking. Seconds and thirds.... wow. I'm proud of everyone and I am proud to be a part of the section and band. But ME not being above anything is..... gah. Idk. If I make a comment such as "this is going to be out of tune" I mean I (hmm... I would've capitalized that even if it wasn't natural to capitalize "i") am going to out of tune. I'm hard on myself and can't feel like I am where I should be.... which is not helped by... *cough* yeah. That's a rant for another time.

Hmm... I think I am going to write a little message on here for each person in the trumpet section- the thing I really want to tell anyone but would be too afraid too/can't right now. .... but not have names because... I can. I think that can explain my camp more than ranting would.

Dude. You can really rock. You've proved that more than once. Just prove it again by making sure you keep your head in the game. You've always been spacey. But you have to fix that.

You're doing good. Really. But you need to find that next level of intensity and realize that it's not as much fun and games as you think. You need to change the way you thin k when moving and playing. Act like... you are the best person on that field. Have that much confidence and intensity to yourself, but also try to really be the best person on the field by doing anything to improve yourself.

You know what? I was thinking about you. Not that I hate you. But I hate the little things you say or do. You've made it very clear you don't want me there. You don't think I belong there. And then you get frustrated when I tell myself I don't belong there and express it with my actions?? Really? You told ME when you thought that horrible thing happened. Not him, or him, or her, but me. You knew I would be there if you needed it... why can't you do the same? I could rant about the many things you say for a while. But I won't. Because I really do not want to have a complete mental breakdown, and I know I will if I unravel all of those forgotten things you have said or done. Why do you have this impact on me?

I love you. But you're acting like her. You know... her. The person you say you hate.

I'm sorry. I know you are better than me, but that darn trumpet pride, ya know? That could probably change if you could start treating more of an equal. I know he isn't helping, but please? I could prove I deserve to be here if you just let me feel more confident.

I love you (dearly not queerly). I hate that there is/was something bothering you. You're awesomesauce. You've really done a lot this camp. A lot of improvement. It's cheesy saying, but I'm proud of you! xD Just.... remember you're good, okay? I feel like you forget it at times or... something. But you're definitely awesome. Just remember.

Wow. You're good. Has someone said that to you? I'm sure they have. Just remember this and be confident. We have a lot of confidence in you, Mr. Rookie.

I can't think of much to say to you except to practice more to get/keep the feel. Of both. Or else you'll fail in September. And that comment at the end of the day. o.o Do you know that I still....

Okay, I'm back to you again. I'm texting you right now, explaining what I hate about you. And then it makes me mad that you are just so freaking.... awesome about it. Like you really did not realize how much it bothers me and you want me to feel better about it all. Maybe that's why you have this impact on me. There is still more that bothers me a lot, though. Like those weird comments with him..... that seem almost... coded.