So, I'm not really sure how to write these blogs. My two current followers know the basics of what is going on in my life. But if in the future I get more readers who read this, they won't know and might be confused as to what I am talking about.
So...yeah.
On of the most important things to me is and very well might always be band. Marching band, band, trumpet..... all of it. The past three days, I've spent 9am-9pm at marching band camp. It's the beginning of my third and last marching band season at my high school. If you read my last post, I'm already freaking out about it. It's my last year. My last chance to make it good. My last year with all of these memory building moments. My last time being on a team of people all working our asses of for this greater purpose. To create something amazing together. To experience that amazing indescribable feeling together. When you walk off the field after an amazing performance... you feel so happy and proud and amazing and... it's the best feeling in the world. We put a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get that feeling. It's totally worth it, too. And it's my last year doing so. And the thought of that seriously makes me want to cry. A lot. You can say it's pathetic, but it's true.
So, as I said, I just finished my last June Band Camp. It was a lot of pain. I'm so sore. I should be VERY satisfied with how it went- it was VERY good for June. But I'm not satisfied. Not even close. Before anyone flips out, let me complain.
Everyone keeps saying how good we are tight now. Music, marching, movement... all that. They say it is good. But there is something often left unspoken at the end. "It's really good!"... for June. And for me, that's not good enough. It's good for the rest of the band. I am so proud of my friends and fellow band members. They are all doing great for being the first camp. Sure, the second and third trumpets need to play a little louder and with much more confidence but it's good. I'm pretty sure it's the same with all of the other sections, too.
But me being good for it being June is not good enough for me. I am second chair. I was almost section leader. I need to be beyond this level. My music this year is so much more difficult than last year. I knew that being considered ready to step it up to first would come with the more difficult music. It's not exactly hard to play, but it's hard to play well. And I am not doing it well. Perry (my section leader/ first chair) says my problem is lack of confidence. At the beginning of the camp, the third chair player, Luke, were about the same talent level. We both had our strengths, but I was still second chair for a reason. After these three days, I have no been progressing like I should. He is. I don't know if I would say he is a better player than I am, but he can play the music better than I can. It's hard to play with confidence when I know that the chair below me belongs in my chair and I know they both know it. Perry jokes around about it a lot, but he is serious about it at the same time. I know he would rather have Luke as second chair. I can't be confident when I know this. When I told him about it, he told me "No you deserve it you just have to show me you have it in you" It's more difficult than I thought it would be.
At the end of that conversation I asked him to be a lot harder on me next camp. He knows when I am not doing as well as I can - marching and playing. He can give me crap for it. Somehow make sure I am giving 100% effort 100% of the time. I might regret asking that of him when he does, but it'll be good for me. Friday I was so tired and sore and felt like crap and could not concentrate on doing well. When we went in for lunch, Perry pointed out that I was slacking. I told him I know, but I was so tired and felt so horrible. They were not giving us enough water breaks to keep me up to standard either. He agreed and said it was okay because I "worked my ass off" Wednesday and Thursday. It still was not okay. I shouldn't have let that effect me for those three hours.
Perry is a really great section leader. But there any a few things he is not doing well. He is not demanding the respect and compliance of his section. He needs to take more command over us. When we are slacking he needs to say so. When he wants us to do something, or just needs to say something to us, he needs to be confident and tell us so. If we don't do it, he should force us to. Threaten us with punishment and if necessary make us do said punishment. When he told us not to sit on the drill field, we did anyway. He shouldn't have allowed that. Our tech (a staff member who works with us. There is generally one who specializes with each section) , Brent, tells him he needs to worry less about being our friend and more about giving us command. Not be an ass hole like... other section leaders in the past. But still tell us what to do ans make sure we do that. A lot of times the third trumpets will be playing with horrible posture or horn angles, and I tell him to fix it. I know what it's like. Posture slips their mind so a small reminder will fix it. I am guilty of it, too. He is a good section leader. He really is. He just needs to not be afraid of being a bit more assertive. I don't think it's a coincidence that "assertive" has the word "ass" in it. When dealing with unwilling and noncomplying people, if you're going to be assertive, you have to be a bit of an ass. Not much, but a little. Just be willing to yell and punish when needed.
So, basically, I think the band is doing great. But it's my last year and I need to make it good. I need to put in a lot more effort than I ever have. Even though marching band it the thing I have put the most effort into ever, it needs to be kicked up a notch. My playing and movement needs to be on a level far beyond where it is. It's good. But not good enough. I can improve it on my own, but to get where I want to be, I need my leader there pushing me further than he thinks necessary. I'm being really hard on myself this year, and pushing myself farther than I have. It'll be tough, but I know I am ready. This camp only confirmed that belief.
So...yeah.
On of the most important things to me is and very well might always be band. Marching band, band, trumpet..... all of it. The past three days, I've spent 9am-9pm at marching band camp. It's the beginning of my third and last marching band season at my high school. If you read my last post, I'm already freaking out about it. It's my last year. My last chance to make it good. My last year with all of these memory building moments. My last time being on a team of people all working our asses of for this greater purpose. To create something amazing together. To experience that amazing indescribable feeling together. When you walk off the field after an amazing performance... you feel so happy and proud and amazing and... it's the best feeling in the world. We put a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get that feeling. It's totally worth it, too. And it's my last year doing so. And the thought of that seriously makes me want to cry. A lot. You can say it's pathetic, but it's true.
So, as I said, I just finished my last June Band Camp. It was a lot of pain. I'm so sore. I should be VERY satisfied with how it went- it was VERY good for June. But I'm not satisfied. Not even close. Before anyone flips out, let me complain.
Everyone keeps saying how good we are tight now. Music, marching, movement... all that. They say it is good. But there is something often left unspoken at the end. "It's really good!"... for June. And for me, that's not good enough. It's good for the rest of the band. I am so proud of my friends and fellow band members. They are all doing great for being the first camp. Sure, the second and third trumpets need to play a little louder and with much more confidence but it's good. I'm pretty sure it's the same with all of the other sections, too.
But me being good for it being June is not good enough for me. I am second chair. I was almost section leader. I need to be beyond this level. My music this year is so much more difficult than last year. I knew that being considered ready to step it up to first would come with the more difficult music. It's not exactly hard to play, but it's hard to play well. And I am not doing it well. Perry (my section leader/ first chair) says my problem is lack of confidence. At the beginning of the camp, the third chair player, Luke, were about the same talent level. We both had our strengths, but I was still second chair for a reason. After these three days, I have no been progressing like I should. He is. I don't know if I would say he is a better player than I am, but he can play the music better than I can. It's hard to play with confidence when I know that the chair below me belongs in my chair and I know they both know it. Perry jokes around about it a lot, but he is serious about it at the same time. I know he would rather have Luke as second chair. I can't be confident when I know this. When I told him about it, he told me "No you deserve it you just have to show me you have it in you" It's more difficult than I thought it would be.
At the end of that conversation I asked him to be a lot harder on me next camp. He knows when I am not doing as well as I can - marching and playing. He can give me crap for it. Somehow make sure I am giving 100% effort 100% of the time. I might regret asking that of him when he does, but it'll be good for me. Friday I was so tired and sore and felt like crap and could not concentrate on doing well. When we went in for lunch, Perry pointed out that I was slacking. I told him I know, but I was so tired and felt so horrible. They were not giving us enough water breaks to keep me up to standard either. He agreed and said it was okay because I "worked my ass off" Wednesday and Thursday. It still was not okay. I shouldn't have let that effect me for those three hours.
Perry is a really great section leader. But there any a few things he is not doing well. He is not demanding the respect and compliance of his section. He needs to take more command over us. When we are slacking he needs to say so. When he wants us to do something, or just needs to say something to us, he needs to be confident and tell us so. If we don't do it, he should force us to. Threaten us with punishment and if necessary make us do said punishment. When he told us not to sit on the drill field, we did anyway. He shouldn't have allowed that. Our tech (a staff member who works with us. There is generally one who specializes with each section) , Brent, tells him he needs to worry less about being our friend and more about giving us command. Not be an ass hole like... other section leaders in the past. But still tell us what to do ans make sure we do that. A lot of times the third trumpets will be playing with horrible posture or horn angles, and I tell him to fix it. I know what it's like. Posture slips their mind so a small reminder will fix it. I am guilty of it, too. He is a good section leader. He really is. He just needs to not be afraid of being a bit more assertive. I don't think it's a coincidence that "assertive" has the word "ass" in it. When dealing with unwilling and noncomplying people, if you're going to be assertive, you have to be a bit of an ass. Not much, but a little. Just be willing to yell and punish when needed.
So, basically, I think the band is doing great. But it's my last year and I need to make it good. I need to put in a lot more effort than I ever have. Even though marching band it the thing I have put the most effort into ever, it needs to be kicked up a notch. My playing and movement needs to be on a level far beyond where it is. It's good. But not good enough. I can improve it on my own, but to get where I want to be, I need my leader there pushing me further than he thinks necessary. I'm being really hard on myself this year, and pushing myself farther than I have. It'll be tough, but I know I am ready. This camp only confirmed that belief.
I used to be like "I hate being a third trumpet" but I feel like I'm trying soooooo much harder than last year (when I was still a third) (hence much pain), but it feels like I'm still not good enough. It's bothering me because I feel like Brent is always telling the firsts that they're good and need to work on a couple things, and play quieter, but we're always being told to step it up and play louder. I'm just not attached to the section at all this year. I'm not enjoying it as much, which makes me feel like I'm being a wimp and complaining, but it's my honest opinion.
ReplyDelete*Feels bad*
ReplyDeleteIt's okay. I was there last year. Heck, I'm still kinda there. I know how you feel. I know that sounds dumb, but it's true. Feeling like you are trying harder and getting less for it... I know. I've seriously noticed your effort.You are good. Really good. Seriously. The only way you need to "step it up" is by playing louder. I'm the biggest hypocrite saying that. I always get yelled at for needing to play louder. This year I still don't play loud enough. Luke and Perry cover my sound. But we get told to play softer because of them. Mostly Perry who plays too loud. Which is something he needs to work on. You need to know when to play louder, but you need to learn and fix when you are too loud, too.
You're not being a wimp or complaining. I was right there last year. Seriosuly. It'll change and get better. I promise.